Closure

So many people want closure from a narcissist. YOU DON’T NEED IT FROM THEM. Now what sort of closure can you expect from someone with the emotional maturity of a toddler? Give it to yourself. Pull down the shutter and bolt down every door so that they never open again. let them toddle off into whatever hell they have created for themselves. You’ve got your clarity and you know it’s better this way. That’s your closure. Anne McCrea

I have not written in over a month, because I have been busy, living and enjoying my life. Since I decided to go No Contact, many doors have opened to me, in my career and my personal life and I am very happy now. However, before those new doors opened to me, I had to close the door behind my past and the hopes that I could save my relationship.

I have decided to write about closure because I recently met a person who is struggling to get closure and is suffering excruciating pain as a result. I remember what it was like being there and what a lonely place it was. Narcissists are notoriously adept at muddying the water, creating doubt and uncertainty. Whether we were discarded or were the ones who discarded the narcissist in our life, the lack of resolve is terribly unsettling, and we are left with a maelstrom of unanswered questions.

Did they really cheat, or did I jut imagine things? Are they really narcissists? Was I oversensitive? Could I have done more to save our relationship? was it my fault that they behaved in such a way? Was I too needy? Was there ever any love? Did they fake everything?

Following a break-up, many narcissists perform what is known as a “hoover manoeuvre” and in that instance might admit to some failures or a few lies and might even cry a few crocodile tears, telling us how deeply sorry they are for the harm they caused. However, they will always twist it around shifting blame on the victim. We are left deeply confused and more often than not blaming ourselves. We are willing to own up to our shortcomings, but they NEVER do. It is NEVER their fault. They were the victim of circumstances. They only acted abusively because we were driving them to do so. They lied to protect us. We are the unreasonable party. They tried so hard to make the relationship work. They really did the best they could…

We will never get closure with a narcissist – They like to keep the door ajar in case they might need something from us again! So, we are left with two choices: waiting for closure with a GENUINE apology that will never materialise or cut our losses and make our own closure. We will never get answers to our questions. We need to make our peace with it. We need to move on and close the door of the relationship behind us.

Although I speak in a general way, I can assure you that I have been through all the agonising questions that I mentioned beforehand. I believed his fake apologies. I cried heartfelt tears alongside his crocodile tears. I took part of the blame in the face of his fake admission of guilt. Until I realised that the closure that I craved for had to come from myself. I closed the door in April 2018 and never reopened it again. I made my own closure and I have been thriving since.

 

9 comments

  1. Hi Pascale! I have been a victim of narcissistic abuse myself, and can relate to every word you write. Thank you for sharing all this with us! I definitely feel more at peace knowing that there are others who have survived and thrived! ☺️💛

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hi Pascale. Thanks for your article. You’re right, they never take ownership of their faults, but merely pass them on to the victims. It’s probably the worst experience with another human being that another person can go through. Forget about apologies and being friends. I don’t think they know what either of those things truly means. NO CONTACT is the only way to go to get back to sanity.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hi Pascale,
    You have written nothing but the honest truth, as I myself have closed the door but he’s continues to want to fine ways to get back in, using our children as a getaway. As you mentioned about toddler, he continues to throw fits and send threats when he’s not in control and it’s a shame in this day and age police departments don’t do anything about threats. But above all God has always been with me, if he wasn’t I would not have been here to share my story, so I will continue to fight to maintain my sanity peace and freedom from him 🙏.

    Liked by 1 person

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