In a good place

It’s a good place when all you have is hope and not expectations. Danny Boyle

Life without the toxic influence of a narcissist is unquestionably a good place to be in. it seems to flow peacefully and effortlessly. There is no chaos, no drama, no constant fear or anxiety. I can live MY life. I am no longer living HIS. I choose to do what I want, when I want. I do not have to wait for his approval or validation. I can be ME.

This does not mean that I have turned into a self-centred, selfish and inconsiderate person.  This means that I am considering my own needs first, before I consider someone else’s. I do not take charge of someone else’s actions, but I am in charge of my own actions. I care for myself before I care for someone else.

I always used to ignore my own needs because I thought that was what a good person was supposed to do. I denied my own feelings because I was afraid to rock the boat.  I was a pacifier. I wanted everybody to be happy, even if it was at the expense of my own happiness. No wonder I ended up attracting someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I was the perfect target!

It has been just over a year since I last had a face to face encounter with him, but it feels as if it were decades ago.  The memories of being with him have faded into almost nothing. This truly feels rather odd, considering the intensity that these memories had only a short while ago.

Yesterday, I found one of his business cards in an old purse. We had spent a long time, designing them and finding a suitable slogan and, of course, I had financed them! The cards encapsulated the dream of having our own business, of being partners. He had told me many times that he wanted to be successful so I would not need to work so hard anymore as he would look after me. He sounded so convincing that I believed it and did everything I could, to make it happen.

As I looked at the business card, I felt absolutely nothing. It was meaningless to me. There was no pain, no regret or bitterness attached to it. There was nothing. It was just a piece of cardboard so, I shoved it in a literal and metaphorical bin where the rest of my memories of him already lay.

Life has now become a haven where my emotions and everyday actions are no longer affected by his emotions and actions or any other person’s – narcissist or non-narcissist. I have regained control of my life and my emotions (and my finance!). I am the most content I have ever been in my life.

Obviously, I have not arrived in this place haphazardly. It has taken a lot of determination and introspection to arrive here. I had to let go of blame, take some responsibility for what had happened and let go of the past. Who he is, what he did, why he did it, is not relevant to my life anymore. What matters is who I am, what I do and why I do it.

I am in a good place now and I intend to stay here!

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