Exposing the narcissist

Exposing a covert narcissist isn’t an easy thing to do because they don’t just gaslight their primary victims, they gaslight the public too. El Gorsvan

When I finally realised that my partner had Narcissistic Personality Disorder and had been deceiving me, abusing me and cheating on me from the onset of our relationship, my initial reaction was to unmask him and expose his deception to his friends, colleagues and family. The pain I experienced at the time was so intense that I needed an outlet. Exposing him and Inflicting pain on him seemed to be the answer, the panacea to alleviate my own pain.

However, since he had kept his life compartmentalised throughout our two-year relationship, I had never met his friends or colleagues and had no mean of contacting them. Moreover, I believe that most of them did not know of my existence as he wanted to perpetuate the illusion that he was available to new relationships.

To the few people who knew he was in a relationship, he had been smearing my character for a long time, describing me as over sensitive, jealous and controlling. He had told me many times that “all his friends knew I was crazy.” Therefore, my credibility was seriously impaired.

I was aware that exposing him was a dangerous attempt and that I might provide him with ammunition that he would throw back at me. Narcissists have no morals, no boundaries. They will do whatever is necessary for them to continue the charade that is their life. If I exposed his secrets, I knew that nothing would stop him to expose mine.

I also knew that in trying to expose him, I might provide him with the narcissistic supply that he so dearly needed in order to nourish his damaged ego and that he would use this to add to his pity play therefore attracting more attention to himself. “Look at what my crazy ex-girlfriend is doing to poor little me. She is vicious and malicious, while all I ever did was to love her!”

 “While exposing the narcissist to the people in his life may help some of them to get a clue and stop allowing themselves to be his narcissistic supply, it’ll only temporarily slow the narcissist down. In fact, it’ll give him the proper fuel he needs to get his next supply on the line – his very own savior.” Angela Atkinson

Taking him to court for assault was another avenue that I considered in order to expose him as an abuser, but although the police was ready to arrest him and prosecute him, I knew that the probability of him being convicted was very low. I had been jury foreperson in a case of domestic abuse and marital rape a few years beforehand. In his summary report, the judge had made it clear that unless we were 100% sure of guilt and had proof to back it up, he expected a not guilty verdict.  And indeed, after three hours of deliberation, we had to declare the defendant not guilty.

I was conscious of the fact that there was no tangible evidence or proof of assault. He was always very careful to only be abusive when there were no witnesses. It was my word against his word, and   I was not ready to take the risk of losing.  Especially when I knew how skilled he was at twisting the truth and charming people. He would probably have had the jury eating out of his hand!

The vindictive narcissist’s hustle often takes in otherwise capable and intelligent people, including attorneys and judges. Most of us are hesitant to believe that every word an individual utters is an outright lie, especially if it is easily discovered. But that only works in the narcissist’s favor: It’s his words against yours, after all, and he doesn’t mind grandstanding.Peg Streep

That left me, with the idea of exposing him through my blog.

When I first starting blogging, I would give some clues as to who he was, talking about his job as a personal trainer, his hobby as a bodybuilder, the fact that he was Spanish and twenty years younger than me.   I also named all the women that he used to triangulate me with (only using firsts names). I was careful though not to give his full name or publish his photos, drawing or letters.  He got mad one day, because I had written his first name in one of my blogs, I consequently removed it and replaced it by the initial. I did not want to face defamation or invasion of privacy claims on his part.

Eventually, I realise that his name is insignificant. There are many individuals like him. People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are like clones of each other. No matter their nationality, language, religion or sexual orientation, they all behave in the same way, say the same things to hurt, use the same manipulation techniques to control and subdue.  It is quite ironic considering that they think they are so unique!

Exposing him as a narcissistic abuser does not matter to me anymore it would only perpetuate his nefarious influence over my life. He eventually revealed himself to me and it is only a matter of time before he reveals his true nature to others too. He is nt my priority anymore. My priority is to heal from the abuse, move on and thrive.

16 comments

  1. My ex covert narc now has a whole new group of “friends” that think he’s just swell. I’m assuming it’s only a matter of time before he cheats on his new wife and things turn around. It is hard knowing he has presented me as crazy but I don’t like his new group so……..
    Anyway you look at it this is a painful life lesson.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes, it was a very painful life lesson. His friends may think well of him but when he won’t have any use for them, they will discover who he really is. As for his new wife, he’s probably already cheating on her. Narcissists always like to keep their options open. Thankfully, we are free of this now.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for the great and very honest post. I console myself with the fact his behavior is now exposed and so hopefully his next victim will be more readily believed. I guess it helps to recognise that they are predators. We can’t stop the natural instincts of predators, but we can help others by putting our knowledge of the hazards of dealing with such creatures, out there. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like, had I not learned about all this online. It all fitted, every last detail. As you say they all pull the same tricks and I had inadvertently played right into his hands. They set up situations, so that they get narcissistic supply no matter what happens. I did not realise it till after he left that there had been many who recognised who he was, to the point where one had threatened him with legal action. I had found the letter after he left.
    Things do eventually catch up with them. Cluster Bs do eventually face consequences, which they cannot but help bringing on themselves.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Like you, it was reading online posts by survivors of narcissistic abuse that got me through it. I felt so ashamed and lonely and my friends were putting the blame on me for staying in the relationship. I hope that one day everyone will realise what he does and that he won’t be able to hurt anyone anymore.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I see it as something that will never change but perhaps I can help one person. He was trying to find ways of leaving and leaving the door ajar.
    I made it plain that was not going to happen and that I basically tended to want nothing to do with my exes. He knew the score or if he didn’t he should have. I was extremely persistent trying to make it work but I had known enough not to want to become part of the harem.

    Liked by 2 people

      • I have probably been part of a harem too in the past. I had one relationship break up which went that way and I swore never again. I am grateful for that relationship and what it taught me, while I was young enough to recover easily. My friend had written me a loving letter at the time, which had brought me to my senses. I will always treasure that letter. I have kept it to remind myself to never be that dumb again. I love her for caring enough to write me that letter. That is the kind of thing friends should be doing, not judging. Perhaps I should reproduce some of it in my blog, so that it can help somebody else. Thirty years later and half a world away I still consider her a friend. I was even able to lead her to the online community when a toxic person brought problems in her path.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. I have nothing to do these days with those that judge us for staying. Leaving a seriously toxic person is a process. I do admire those who recognise the signs quickly and immediately quit before damage is done but more often than not I think quitting these relationships takes time and the occasional false start (for which we need to forgive ourselves.)

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I can totally relate to your journey of awakening. They are all the same, behave with the same objectives. It is very hard not to name them as we write, but as the words flow, we begin to realize the evil as it resonates and a name means nothing to others, while the story does. Much light brought my comrade in the awareness… I applaude you for your in insight, for it lays deep within me as well, awaiting the words to be published.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I feel pain daily from my ex narcissist. I struggle but I have to realize he was evil then and he is still evil and will always be evil and wont change for me or anyone. There is no going back and being happy with a narcissist. Life with one is only one thing and that is HELL. Stay STRONG, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. It surprises me how alone we feel when we are in it, and even after we are free, it still feels like no-one else could possibly imagine what its like, but then when I read others stories, you realise how alike they all are, how many of them there are and how many of us. My Ex alienated me from his family (he has no friends) years ago when he left, I agree, contacting them would mean I come off worse, the blog is a great idea to expose him without exposing him. Thankyou. (I wish I wrote as eliquently as you do!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are right when you say we feel alone. Most people don’t understand unless they have been through it. Blogging is a way to connect with people who have had a similar experience. It helps validate our feelings. Then we are a little less lonely. Thank you for reading.

      Liked by 1 person

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