He is happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I have been very busy these past two weeks, as I have been redecorating my house. I hired someone to paint the walls, ceilings and doors, I bought some new furniture and moved existing furniture around to try and create a new warm and welcoming living space in the spirit of the Danish hygge. I reclaimed my life from the clutches of a Disordered Narcissist and now I am reclaiming my home.
When I was living with him, my home had become a hostile environment . I thought that him moving with me would bring us closer, but it was the beginning of a long descent in hell. At the time, I did not know that he had Narcissistic Personality Disorder and therefore was unaware that by refusing to continue to pay the rent on his studio flat, I had triggered a Narcissistic Injury which in turn had triggered a brutal and intense cycle of Narcissistic Devaluation.
I was a prisoner in my own home. He was akin to a vicious guard. He intimidated, threatened and dominated because that made him feel powerful. He was a tyrant. He complained about the slightest things. The light being left on, the toilet seat not being down, the heating being too high, the dishes not being clean. There was always something to irritate him and ignite his fury.
I often stayed in isolation, only leaving my bedroom to get some food from the kitchen or go to the bathroom. He never verbally or physically prevented me to leave my bedroom. He was more underhand than this. By lying, triangulating and subjecting me to the silent treatment while throwing in some loving words or gestures now and again, he made me so confused that I was unable to function normally.
I had tried to make him feel at home. I had taken photos of my family from the wall, removed some of my French pictures from the wall and bought a few items of furniture so that he would consider it our home. However, although he unpacked his few possessions and moved the little furniture he had, it always felt like he was a guest in the house.
He did not participate in paying bills, cleaning, mending things or gardening. He mainly looked after his own belongings. I realise now that he never intended to stay and that is why he was not settling in. He was ready to depart at any time. I believe that the only reason he did not leave any sooner is because he did not have any money and had nowhere else to go to as he had burnt all his bridges.
When I reached the end of my tether and kicked him out, I hated being in my house. Everything reminded me of him and his abuse. The broken desk in my son’s bedroom, the broken door and the damaged tiles in the kitchen. I wanted to move to a new house and started looking at estate agents’ websites, but then I realised that I would lose a lot of money by moving and that none of the properties were as well located as my house.
As I started healing, I started feeling safer and more comfortable in my home and decided that I would try to erase his presence rather than sell. Now I am feeling happier than ever and I love spending time at home. I have ordered a television and a new rug for the living room and I can’t wait until it is delivered. It may seem like a trivial event to you, but to me it is another milestone on y healing journey.