Anger

Sometimes, you have to get angry to get things done. Ang Lee

Feeling angry after Narcissistic Abuse is a perfectly normal reaction. After all, who wouldn’t feel mad after having been lied to, cheated on, gaslighted, triangulated, demeaned, used and abused? Anger is one of our most basic emotions and is a natural response to unfairness, injustice, threat or harm.

Narcissists are angry people. My ex-partner used to say that anger was his driving force and that the day he would lose his anger, he would be unable to function (or dysfunction in his case!). Unfortunately, his anger was the motivation and justification for his abusive behaviour. Harm had been done to him, when he was too young to defend and protect himself, so after years of repressed emotions, he retaliated when he was finally old enough and had the strength and means to do it. Regrettably, the victims of his abuse, were not the people who had inflicted harm on him in the first instance. His displaced anger turned into bitterness and resentment and was eating him from inside.

Now it is my turn to be angry. I am angry to have been subjected to psychological and emotional abuse. I am angry that I believed his empty promises. I am angry to have spent half on my savings on him. I am angry at myself. I am angry at him.  I am angry at the people who abused him. I am angry that people do not believe in the severity of Narcissistic Abuse. I am angry that people think I can just brush it under the carpet and pretend it never happened. Well, you get the point. I am angry.

Unlike my narcissist ex though, I control and manage my anger. I am not bitter. I am not resentful. I am not vindictive. I do not seek revenge. I do not need to hurt anyone in order to lessen my pain. I channel my anger into healthy outlets.  I do sports. I write my blog. I try to help other victims of Narcissistic Abuse. Anger can be my driving force too. My driving force to thrive. My driving force to be creative. My driving force to try and make a change.

On Instagram, WordPress or YouTube, I see many victims of narcissistic abuse who have lost control of their anger and have succumbed to bitterness and resentment. They are enraged. They are vindictive. They are on the warpath.  They want vengeance. They are tormented by the need to make the narcissists pay.  These people cannot overcome their pain and find it almost impossible to move on.  They are focused on their abuser, rather than on their recovery. They are not using their anger constructively and it causes them further harm.

Maya Angelou said “Bitterness is like cancer. It eats up the host. But anger is like a fire. It burns it all clean“.  We shouldn’t let our anger get the better of us. We need to make the best of our anger and move on.

6 comments

  1. Did you write this for me? I’m one of those victims and I struggle with how to move forward. It’s hard for me because I have brain damage and severe issues with balance since he destroyed my inner ear. How do I not think of him when everything I do everyday is because I am paying for the consequences of his anger. I struggle with reading because there’s a short between my eyes and brain. I feel hopeless and some days wish I would fall asleep and not wake up. How do I remove him from everything I can’t do…

    Liked by 3 people

    • I am sorry that you feel so much pain. It is doubly hard for you because you have physical as well as psychological scars. Your life was changed irrevocably. I am sure you will find a way to move forward. You need to find a way that works for you. Every trauma is different and there is not one way to heal. You were strong enough to survive narcissitic abuse. You will get there eventually. Do not despair. Take care. xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am thankful for you that you have turned the negative into a positive opportunity to grow. It’s not easy but we all have a choice to let it consume us or to constructively use the lesson and move forward. I am also a victim of narcissistic abuse but I have healed through it thankfully. I have grown spiritually through my pain. Thanks for opening this conversation. There are many people who will benefit from your experiences.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My anger that I expressed at my injustice was suppressed and “put into it’s place.” I was told many times by my husband that there were two people that brought out the worst in me. He did not like me when I would get angry at these two people. At the time, they were continuing emotional and controlling abuse that had gone on for a very long time. My anger was me trying to have a voice. My husband labeled it as my dark side. “The worst in me.” Well, he is an abuser towards me too. I didn’t see it at the time, because this was my normal. So I controlled my anger because I didn’t want him to see me as “ugly” or “bad” for standing up for myself with the anger I was feeling for the injustice I was experiencing. He was just continuing to condition me that I didn’t have a voice. I made this connection not too long ago. It was so eye opening to me. Thank you for sharing this.

    Liked by 1 person

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