Doing my bit

Do your little bit of good where you are, it’s those little bit of goods put together that overwhelm the world. Desmond Tutu

Narcissistic Abuse seems to be an ever-growing problem. Many people have fallen victim to the mind games of a narcissists and are struggling to rebuild their lives. Unfortunately, there isn’t much that can be done to bring the abusers to justice or get them to take responsibility for their acts. Narcissistic Abuse is not a criminal offence. It leaves no tangible evidence apart from deep psychological trauma and is therefore hard to prove.  Many narcissists are prosecuted for collateral offences such as assault, stalking, controlling or coercive behaviour, but never for the core of their abuse.

A culture of victim blaming surrounds Narcissistic Abuse. We brought it up on us. We are empaths, co-dependents, echoists and that is why we let ourselves be abused. Meanwhile, abusers continue to abuse. Until psychologists wise up, social services clue up and the law catches up, all we can do is raise awareness and hope that victims will recognise the red flags before they get too strongly entangled with their abuser. I am trying to do my bit and use my experience to make people aware of the devious tactics that manipulators use and therefore spare people some of the heartache I went through.

 I refuse to be silent. I do not feel shame. I do not feel regret. I was unaware of what was happening to me at the time. Therefore, I talk openly about the abuse I was subjected to and it is quite frightening how many people relate to what I say. When they understand that they are not alone, it is a huge relief for them.  They start making sense of things and the shame that they carry becomes less. They realise that is it not their fault. It does not matter what our background is, we are all susceptible to the mind games of narcissists.

By writing my blog, I am trying to show people that there is life after Narcissistic Abuse. I do not do it to expose my ex-partner. I do not wish him harm. I just wish he would stop harming people. I do it because I want to validate my experience and at the same time validate other people’s experience. We are not alone. We have been abused but it does not have to be a life sentence. I truly believe that my experience has made me a stronger person. I am not trivialising the abuse in any way and I know that some people were subjected to it for much longer than I was.  However, life does not stop here. It might not feel like it now, but eventually it will. There was a time when I thought my life was over, but then I realised that it was just the beginning of something new. I want other people to realise this too.

To take things further, I have decided to organise an event at my college for World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day. It is still months away, as it falls on June 1st, but I believe in being prepared. I am planning to organise a screening of the 1944 film Gaslight with a Q&A session about Gaslighting and Narcissistic Abuse afterwards. I have contacted the Safeguarding Officer and he seems to be on board.   I hope that people will respond to the idea. Whatever happens, I am trying to make good of a bad thing. I am trying to do my bit to let people know that however broken and hopeless they might feel now, there is something better around the corner.

We have been conned. We have been deceived. We have been hurt. We have been broken. We may feel rage. We may feel shame. We may feel regretful. We may feel vindictive. We may feel lost. we may feel hopeless. We may still feel bound to our abuser. We may have hit rock bottom. But we are still alive!

 We can either feel defeated or we can fight back.  We can do our bit to make a difference. We may not be able to change the world but if we can make a difference in one’s person life, then it is all worth it.

18 comments

  1. Reblogged this on Stop Shaming the Abused and commented:
    Ditto. It’s incredibly hurtful to be treated as though we did something to deserve the abuse. I’m not going to remain silent either. My abuser, Vincent Beggs has driven me to the brink of suicide, telling me to do it to put him out of his misery. He has taken my ability away to live a full and normal life, and has taken my children’s sense of safety. Meanwhile he goes on with his life with enablers who have done nothing but give him the fuel to be even more ruthless. 2 years later I am still struggling with the physical injuries I sustained. He should be in jail.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s a callous myth that people who suffer abuse deserve it. Callous and ignorant. Especially since abusers become adept at luring people into being abused through putting on false fronts until you fall in love with them. They know more about manipulating people than almost any other category of people on this planet. Folks who think people who suffer from abuse deserve it are no better than naive. .

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      • I’m sorry to hear that. That was my ex’s tactic too. Of course, it’s a bunch of crock. May I ask if you have any practical way out of that relationship at this time?

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      • Thank goodness you were able to get out of it. He is scary indeed! I’m so sorry you incurred such injuries from him. You in no way deserved them. No one could have deserved such things.

        My second wife was abusive in every way but physically. Strange how abusers follow the same patterns no matter how they abuse you. She was always “the victim” too, and I was always “the bad guy”. Fortunately, she’s long gone now. I hope you your nightmare will end soon and that you’ll be free of him. My best wishes for that.

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      • My interest in partner sex increasingly waned so that, within a few years, I became voluntarily celibate. I’ve been quite happy as such, however. Oddly enough, I feel love for several people — friends of mine. Just not interested in having sex with them. But I think everyone’s trajectory is likely to be different.

        Liked by 2 people

    • Unfortunately narcissists never take responsibility for their actions and are never held accountable. It is the nature of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They have little empathy and never show remorse. They also have an army of flying monkey who would swear on their deathbeds that the narcissist is the nicest person they have ever met. It is highly frustrating to watch them get on with their lives while we are left picking up the pieces.

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  2. Great post, Pascal. Thanks for sharing it.

    I think if you — or anyone — can save even just one other person from being abused — or help them to leave an abusive relationship — you should count yourself ahead. After all, what is the value of even one life?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. […] In her post Pascal writes about her hope that by sharing her story she can show others who have been through narcissistic abuse that there is light.  I want to believe that so bad, but I have been on a downward spiral since learning that my health has declined as a result of the violence from almost 2 years ago.  I feel hopeless and worthless and angry that his enablers have been so callous in choosing to defame me because they don’t have the guts to own their own decisions.  They have made this about my not wanting him to have friends when all I have asked is that they don’t trivialize what he did to me just so they can feel okay with being his “friend.” They have gone out of their way to be cruel and it’s not okay but at the same time it feels as though it will never change.  Yes, I am sharing what I wrote and want to email because it’s where I am at.  The pain and the damage these emotionally devoid like my abuser does is real and it’s nothing like I have ever experienced before.  However, it’s much easier for him and his “friends” to assume that I am a scorned lover.  That fits their narrative much better for reasons I have mentioned over and over again. They are cruel and heartless and ignorant.  Yes, I am a bit mean in what I say but it doesn’t compare to telling a woman who was maimed by this monster and is now unable to do the little things in life that she use to do without thinking, that she shouldn’t be on Strava because she’s not an athlete and is only there to stalk her abuser when her abuser has been blocked for over a year.  That’s how ignorant these people are so my jab about them being prunes is nothing compared to the knife they took to my heart.  Vince emotionally raped me and his friends, Joyce Gearhart, Roger Masse, Mariette Vanderzen, Tim Hanson, Sarah Shelquist, Sonya Griffin, Marc Klaussen, Jeff Gooder, Max Young, and Sabrina Moe came in and gutted me.  That’s where I am at tonight.  I am not okay with being the scapegoat.   Be his friend.  Do whatever you want to do with him but own it and don’t put it on me.  Can I say that anymore??? […]

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