One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalised and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken unless it is surrendered. Michael J. Fox
Here is another one of my recently rediscovered posts that never made it to light due to the fear of angering my ex-partner. This one is very close to my heart because it affected my life all the way throughout my relationship with him. His mobile phone was his weapon of choice. The one that could be used to constantly dish out his abuse any time of the day and night, no matter where he was or who he was with.
Cyber Narcissistic Abuse
Modern technology is a dream come true to people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The internet allows them to abuse many people without being anywhere near them. Imagine the power it gives them. They can seduce, triangulate, ignore and insult anyone while sitting safely at home with their new ‘love’ interest. All this at the touch of a screen.
I am in the hoover stage, I am aware of this because since I broke up with him, I have read many articles and watched many videos that told me about it. I was the one who got back in touch with him. At the time my health had seriously deteriorated. I had pneumonia which had failed to clear after a first bout of antibiotics. My GP had ordered chest X-rays and I was really scared of getting the results. So, I sent him an email, because I truly believed I was dying. I don’t know why, but the only person I wanted there when I got the results was him. I had gone No Contact for two months because I could not handle the relationship anymore. However, I truly thought he was the only person who could understand me. My friends were telling me that I was well rid of him and I would soon forget about him. But they did not understand, because in my heart I was far from being over him.
He came with me to the surgery that day, telling me that he was worried and really cared about me. When the GP told me there was nothing wrong -I did not have lung cancer, as I feared- I felt elated. I was grateful he was with me in my hour of need, and I thought that we could make another go of it.
So, it started again… I had hopes we could rekindle our relationship. And we sort of did. Or so I believed… He apologised for the things he had done to me, told me that ‘I WAS THE ONE’, that all the other women that he had been constantly been in touch with during our relationship did not matter. I was his Blue Sky.
Our relationship though is virtual, we don’t see each other very often. Maybe once every two weeks. It is all conducted via the internet. We text from early in the morning until late at night, we speak on the phone, have Skype sex, we are in a cyber relationship.
He is still getting up to his old tricks, triangulating, verbal abuse and… the easiest thing to do for him in a cyber relationship… the silent treatment. Sometimes, he does not answer my texts for a few days, while he expects me to answer immediately when he texts me. Or he phones me and says nothing, and I know he is texting other people while on the phone with me. I am simultaneously subjected to the silent treatment and triangulation. And when I complain, he adds a pinch of berating and gaslighting.
Now and then, he sends me all these kisses and flower emoticons and tells me he wants to see me, but then always makes an excuse why he cannot. He raises my hopes, only to dash them almost instantly. Most of the times, he blames me for it. He really wants to see me but then I start talking about his ex, so as he does not want aggravation, it is best if we do not meet face to face.
I do not know if we are together or not. He told once me he had met another woman and that as his ‘friend’ I should be happy for him. When I asked him how long he had been involved with that woman, he told me that this kind of question meant that I did not care about him but just about myself. However, when I pointed out that we had had sex a few days before, he back tracked and said, he did not have anyone. He has always portrayed himself as the man who would never cheat, so cannot lose his façade.
We are sometimes on the phone for hours. He will fall asleep and I just listen to him snore. Somehow this is comforting to me, because I know that at this moment he is not lying or cheating.
This is what our relationship has come to. And it makes me realise that it is probably how it was with all his exes. All the time we were together, he would start texting his exes at six in the morning and text them until late at night. I used to point out that texting people at these kinds of times meant that you were quite intimate, but obviously he dismissed my comments by telling me I was just jealous and insecure. I have joined the rank of the narcissistic harem.
I know I need to stop this, but somehow, I am still living in the hope that he will see the errors of his ways. He keeps telling me that since he ‘messed with me’ his life has been rubbish. With me, he felt good because I believed in him. I was ‘THE ONE’. All I can think now is that I am the one who believes his lies and that is what makes me special to him.
I do not want a cyber-relationship. I do not want to be part of the Narcissistic Harem that he calls upon whenever he needs something. I know that he uses me, and he uses others to get what he wants, but nonetheless, when he sends me all these love messages, I still believe it. He is so convincing. However, it is not reality. It is only a game to him and I am a character in his game.
Why am I still taking part?
Why do I still think that this is real?
Why is it so hard to leave the game?
The only answer I can think of is that he is very adept at making me think that he is genuine, that he has changed, that he is doing his best to atone for his past wrongdoings. And I believe it because the other alternative would be too devastating.
Wow! Now that I am reading this one year later, I cannot believe how I could have been so naive at the time. I am so grateful that I eventually saw that things would never get better. He managed to abuse me even without being physically present. I guess I did not want to face the truth that nothing had ever been genuine. I still find it hard to believe.
But, there is ‘happy’ ending to my story. It is called NO CONTACT. He cannot get to me if I block him. It is as easy as this!