Travel and change of place impart new vigour to the mind. Seneca
I have just returned from a week-long break in the south of France. It was a holiday that I desperately needed. The last term as a teacher is always quite stressful. This year was even more so with restructuring and moving on from paper based to e- based teaching evidence. I was biding my time, waiting for the summer break, doing the minimum necessary just to get through. It was hard going and I am not sure how I did it.
Teaching when you have PTSD is not an easy task, but I managed. My manager is still sending me emails for noncompliance because I have not provided all the compulsory paperwork, but I have decided not to let it get to me, otherwise I would be heading for a breakdown. I did fairly well, considering what I went through, and she should acknowledge that. People do not really take Narcissistic Abuse seriously. They think it is just some kind of toxic relationship that you can shake off and move on from easily. Little do they know… This is the kind of things that you can only understand if you have been through it, but I hope that one day people will realise the devastation that it causes.
Anyway, my week in France was wonderful. I love the south of France and I am looking forward to moving there when I retire. It is a different lifestyle. The sound of the cicadas, the smell of the pine trees and the sound of the waves crashing onto the shore are very relaxing.
What I enjoyed the most was that for one week I had no responsibilities. No lesson to prepare, no house to clean, no meals to prepare, just getting up, going for a swim and lying in the sun thinking of nothing but the heat on my skin. My mother and father were doing all the household chores and cooking lovely healthy meals. It was a well-deserved break which I enjoyed immensely.
I also made the most of spending time with my children. I was sharing a bedroom with them, so it was like having a sleepover every night, chatting up late into the night. My children are not kids anymore. They are 23, 21 and 19 and they understand that I have been through a very rough time. When I was in the midst of Narcissistic abuse my relationship with them completely disintegrated. He hated my children. He thought I spoiled them. He thought I did too much for them and I ended up alienating myself from them. Hopefully they will forgive me for what happened.
I have come back home with renewed energy. I have recharged my emotional battery and now I am making new projects. Today, I started with decluttering my house. I hired a skip and got rid of all the unwanted junk. I got rid of all the mementos that were still keeping me tied up to the memories of him. Some of his clothes, the hoover and the chest of drawers that we had bought for his flat, my son’s desk that he had punched a hole in, the posters that I had let him put on my walls in an effort to make him feel at home – everything went into the skip. It was very satisfying. The last remnants of his presence in my house were eradicated. That was a good sensation. I feel that now I can really move forward.
I have many projects that I want to undertake before I start work again in September. There are many things that need attention because when I was still involved with him I was so busy dealing with his problems that I neglected everything else.
First, I want to spruce up my garden. Although it is quite small, it does looks like a jungle. I have already started pruning some bushes but there is still a lot to do. Moreover. the heatwave has killed the few flowers that had managed to survive so far, so it is looking very desolate.
Then I want to repaint my bedroom and a few other rooms in the house. I had planned to do it last summer but the roof of the house needed to be repaired and all my budget went in it.
After that, I need to finish my Personal Performance Coaching Diploma. I attended a training day a few weeks ago and I have another training day to attend in August, so I need to do some study. I also need to start getting some clients.
Also, I want to get myself into shape and I am thinking of getting a personal trainer to help me get into exercising again. I have a heel spur, which is a very painful condition and has affected my mobility. Thankfully, I have found a very understanding GP, who is helping me deal with it. I am taking painkillers and anti-inflammatory medicine and I hope it will get better soon.
My short holiday break has left me with a lot of renewed energy and I intend to make the most of it. Out with the old, in with the new! Obviously, I will not forget what happened to me, and I do not want to, but I will not let it hold me back because I am free to decide on my future.
This is a new beginning for me. I am leaving the past behind and moving in into the future with renewed energy. This holiday is the perfect opportunity for me.
There is life after Narcissistic Abuse and I am embracing it. We cannot choose what happens to us but we can choose how we deal with it.