Progress is rarely a straight line. There are always bumps in the road, but you can make the choice to keep looking ahead. Kara Goucher
I am not sure why things occur when they do. Sometimes life seems to be going well but then something happens to call everything into question.
I thought that my healing journey was going quite smoothly, but then, a week ago, I unexpectedly hit a big bump in the road. I slowed down and stalled. My mood changed. My anxiety resurfaced. I started ruminating again. Memories came back to me. Emotional flashbacks hit me. Intrusive thoughts arose in my head night and day. I felt stressed, restless and unhappy.
There was no apparent reason for me to feel that way. There were good things happening in my life at that time. My team had won another trophy and I had just returned from visiting my son in Scotland, where I had had a wonderful time. So why was I feeling that way?
I think that many factors had contributed to the strain that I was under. Soon I would have to go back to work. I had paperwork to catch up on, homework to mark, lessons to prepare but I kept procrastinating. My shoulder was hurting and I could not train with my dragon boat team. I was trying to keep up with my studies for the life coaching course but could not get myself motivated to start. I was also worried about my job because HR are restructuring my department and we all have to apply for our jobs again.
And, worst of all, I was missing him.
I never thought that I would miss him like this. It seemed crazy to me. I had gone almost fifty days No Contact without a hitch and there I was, longing for his presence, yearning for his embrace, wishing I could be next to him. I was angry with myself for feeling this way.
Fortunately, I came across a blog post on Tereza’s Health Blog: Why You Sill Miss the Narcissist. It was exactly what I needed to read. It reminded me that the man that I had fallen in love with had never existed. What I was missing was fictitious. There was nothing to miss.
Reality Check: The only thing I got out of my relationship with him was Narcissistic Abuse and subsequently Post traumatic Stress Disorder. I had to conjure images of myself during the abuse for the thoughts to stop. I forced myself to remember what it was like to live with daily betrayals and put downs, the devaluation, the triangulation, the gaslighting and the silent treatment and it worked.
I am back on track now. I have started my job application. I have booked a training day for my life coaching course and resumed dragon boat training. I am feeling better. The anxiety has receded. I am feeling more serene and content.
The road to healing is full of obstacles but I am moving forward and enjoying the scenery.
That’s all that matters.