A bump in the road

Progress is rarely a straight line. There are always bumps in the road, but you can make the choice to keep looking ahead. Kara Goucher

I am not sure why things occur when they do. Sometimes life seems to be going well but then something happens to call everything into question.

I thought that my healing journey was going quite smoothly, but then, a week ago, I unexpectedly hit a big bump in the road. I slowed down and stalled. My mood changed. My anxiety resurfaced. I started ruminating again. Memories came back to me. Emotional flashbacks hit me. Intrusive thoughts arose in my head night and day. I felt stressed, restless and unhappy.

There was no apparent reason for me to feel that way. There were good things happening in my life at that time. My team had won another trophy and I had just returned from visiting my son in Scotland, where I had had a wonderful time.  So why was I feeling that way?

I think that many factors had contributed to the strain that I was under. Soon I would have to go back to work. I had paperwork to catch up on, homework to mark, lessons to prepare but I kept procrastinating. My shoulder was hurting and I could not train with my dragon boat team. I was trying to keep up with my studies for the life coaching course but could not get myself motivated to start.  I was also worried about my job because HR are restructuring my department and we all have to apply for our jobs again.

And, worst of all, I was missing him.

I never thought that I would miss him like this. It seemed crazy to me. I had gone almost fifty days No Contact without a hitch and there I was, longing for his presence, yearning for his embrace, wishing I could be next to him. I was angry with myself for feeling this way.

 Fortunately, I came across a blog post on Tereza’s Health Blog: Why You Sill Miss the Narcissist. It was exactly what I needed to read. It reminded me that the man that I had fallen in love with had never existed. What I was missing was fictitious. There was nothing to miss.

Reality Check: The only thing I got out of my relationship with him was Narcissistic Abuse and subsequently Post traumatic Stress Disorder. I had to conjure images of myself during the abuse for the thoughts to stop. I forced myself to remember what it was like to live with daily betrayals and put downs, the devaluation, the triangulation, the gaslighting and the silent treatment and it worked.

I am back on track now. I have started my job application. I have booked a training day for my life coaching course and resumed dragon boat training. I am feeling better. The anxiety has receded. I am feeling more serene and content.

The road to healing is full of obstacles but I am  moving forward and enjoying the scenery.

That’s all that matters.

16 comments

  1. Thank you for linking to my blog Pascale! I really appreciate it! I read your post and what you are describing in my opinion is really just your mind purging. It’s part of the healing process. If you do meditation as part of your healing journey, that might further facilitate it. It’s like peeling the layers of an onion – you peel one and for some time you are feeling really great, but then you hit some deeper layers. The stuff from the subconscious can get out only through the conscious mind – that’s the only way how it can get out. I usually have quite a lot of insights coming in those painful periods. The whole process for me laster two years and the second year was actually more difficult then the first because that’s when I hit the core trauma. It was quite mad – but it really does move through you and out. Just don’t fight it. It gets worse if you fight it. I have a couple of posts on my blog about stress release in meditation, which is essentially the very same process that you are experiencing after a narc: https://terezashealthblog.com/2016/12/14/the-anatomy-of-stress-release-side-effects-of-meditation/ Anyway, I hope you feel better soon. It’s a journey and there are the greatest lessons and biggest shifts to be made when it feels the worse…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Continue taking each day as it comes … Healing and recovering are two different things when it comes to narc abuse especially when it comes to a relationship of the heart … (((gentlehugz))) and take care xxx …

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pivitol and beautiful…I write in my journal and here of course the absolute soul truth and where it comes from is experiences of loss, traumas etc..the narcissitic trauma I find in my recovery and writing is always linked to the fact the abuser was also my rescuer leaving me missing him even in the worst and best times..I am almost 5 months clean now, but there is not day I don’t have to express the emotion and feeling YET on paper and process where its all linked to. I so appreciate you and your journey and your beautiful expression to healing.

    Liked by 1 person

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