The only thing we know for sure is that everything changes. Impermanence is a given. So when I cling to the things in my life, whether good or bad, I try to remind myself, of my son’s wise words…”A Lot Can Change In A Year.” Alexis Rose
Today is exactly one year since I started blogging. It has been a difficult year but it has also been a year of growth and transformation. I hit rock bottom in the first few months as I was still trying to make sense of my experience, trying to find closure, then hoping that I could rekindle my relationship, only to realise that I would never be able to make sense of what had happened, that I would never get closure and that rekindling my relationship would be like running back to a house on fire when everything has been burned to a cinder.
A year ago, I never thought that I would be able to recover. I was lost. I was despondent. I was a shadow of my old self. The lights had gone off and there was only darkness. Very few of my friends fully understood what I was going through. I felt utterly helpless and did not know where to turn to. These were dark times. Getting up every day to go to work was a struggle but I knew I had to be strong for my children. My sister was battling cancer at the time too and I did not want to add to her distress and that of my family.
I had read in many self-help book that writing down my thoughts and feelings would help me to heal as it would validate my experience. Many people were telling me to just get over it and stop talking about it but Narcissistic Abuse is not something that you can just brush under the carpet. So, I started writing. I filled entire notebooks with the memories that I had. Sometimes I would cry at the realisation. I would say to myself: “I can’t believe he did that! How could he!” I hid my notes as I did not want anybody to know. I was ashamed. I was blaming myself for letting him hurt me. I felt very lonely.
Then I started opening up to a few friends and I started realising that I was not alone and that many people had experienced different forms of psychological or emotional abuse. Sometimes people would be thankful that I would openly talk to them as they could also express their feelings without shame. We could support each other and feel less alone in our pain.
One day, I found out about a course that my college was running: “How to start a free blog with WordPress”. I enrolled on the course and as they say, the rest is history…
On WordPress I found a wonderful community of people who were brave enough to talk about their experiences, people who had been through the most terrible abuse and hardship, people who were understanding and supporting, people who knew what victims of Narcissistic Abuse were going through… and this was my salvation.
I am very indebted to all the WordPress readers who have supported me in my struggles. We might live thousands of miles away from each other and never get to meet face to face but I feel as close to you as I would if you were sitting next to me.
One year on, 17 days of No Contact, life is looking good…
I wish all the best to the people who are still struggling in their relationship. You are not alone. We are here for you.
As Alexis Rose says: “A lot can change in a year.” Never lose hope