No Contact

Time doesn’t heal all wounds, only distance can lessen the sting of them. Shannon L. Alder

Last Sunday I reached a pivotal point in my healing journey as I decided to go No Contact! Yes, I know some of you might be surprised to hear that. You probably thought that I had made that decision a long time ago. I had indeed tried a few times before. However, up until last Sunday I had not been emotionally strong enough to completely sever ties with him.  We were still in almost daily contact.  In fact, the only time that we did not communicate was when he decided to put me through the silent treatment – which, since the beginning of the year, was every Saturday afternoon and Sunday all day.

I suppose that he was still playing his games and wanted me to think that he was in a relationship and that is why he was not getting in touch at the weekend. And guess what? That is exactly what I thought! Whether he was or not is irrelevant, what mattered to him was to make  me feel that he was, because that is how he gets his kicks! I had no intention of getting involved in a relationship with him again, but I could not let go for good and we were therefore still in touch.

We had met to go for a meal or a drink a few times and we had also had sex on several occasions. The boundaries were unclear. Were we friends? Lovers? Friends-with-benefits? The lines were blurred, and he made sure that they remained that way. Sometimes it amused me to see his pathetic attempts at triangulation and gaslighting but now and again it would still sting as it reminded me of a time when those games had nearly destroyed me.

Why was I unable to go No Contact earlier? In one of my first posts I had written that I would never be part of his harem, and there I was, almost a year later, a full-fledged member! Wow! How had this happened?

I had read hundreds of testimonies that said that narcissists cannot change, but there was still a glimmer of hope that he would be the only exception. I needed to do my own ‘scientific’ research into the subject and draw my own conclusions. I had to see it and experience it for myself.

Well, after months of research the results are in and I can confidently say that leopards are more likely to change their spots and pigs more likely to fly than a narcissist is to change. Of course, there were times that I thought he had finally changed and had seen the errors of his ways, but he would ultimately revert to his old narcissistic self in a matter of days if not hours or even minutes.

I finally grew tired of his constant lies, disloyalty, perfidy and betrayals and the lack of clarity of our relationship. I realised that all he was bringing to my life was sadness, chaos and negative energy and that HE WOULD NEVER CHANGE.  No contact was the only way forward for me to progress more smoothly and rapidly on my healing journey.

Since my mind is not being filled with thoughts about him, I have started making more projects for myself.  Today I attended a speech by Brita Fernandez Schmidt who is the Executive Director of Women for Women, a charity helping women survivors of war to rebuild their lives. I went to see her at the end of her presentation as I would like to set up a course teaching entrepreneurial skills to women refugees and asylum seekers in London as well as raise awareness of the plight of women in conflict zones. I am feeling very excited about this project and I hope that I will convince my manager to get on board with it.

I am feeling proud of myself that I finally made the decision to go No Contact. I chose to do this, not because people told me to, but because I was finally ready.  It was MY decision and this is why I think that I will be more likely to succeed this time round.

It has only been four days though, so I do not want to claim victory just yet and Just to be on the safe side, let me remind myself of the No Contact ground rules:

  1. No face to face meeting.
  2. No calling.
  3. No responding to calls.
  4. No texting.
  5. No responding to texts.
  6. No emailing or writing letters.
  7. No responding to emails or letters.
  8. No revenge posting on social media.
  9. No stalking him on social media.
  10. No asking friends or family about him.

I have now packed my bad memories away and I am ready to embark on my new journey of No Contact towards new adventures.

Wish me luck!

39 comments

      • I do indeed wish you luck. I believe you will need more than luck. You will need community (people like us), communication (with people like us), contact (with many people like us), encouragement (from people like us and others), prayers (?, if you believe that works), and you can add to the list of what YOU believe and think will get you through this. If you let us know, we will help you, because we know firsthand what you are going through. We love you… and I believe that is what you will need the most! You’ve decided to not do it completely by yourself. It took me 13 months to get where you are. And I still have setbacks. Don’t lose touch. OK?

        Liked by 4 people

      • Thank you for your kind words and your support. I know it will not be easy and I will sometimes be tempted to break the no contact rules. Many people don’t understand what it’s like to recover from a relationship with a narcissist, so your words mean a lot to me. ❤️

        Liked by 2 people

  1. I’m very happy for you! While I had no trouble completely cutting off contact with my ex, I know most folks have a difficult time. It’s normal, but I am thrilled you are ready to take the next steps toward the rest of your life. Without him and his influence. We’re here to support you every step of the way. I’m excited about your new project! Please share more of it with us as it progresses?

    Liked by 3 people

  2. This was me… word for word. I was exactly where you were/are and know exactly how you feel and what a huge deal it is. Other people wonder why it takes so long to finally give up and move on (you even wonder it yourself, every time you are lured in and then fooled once again). It starts to become your dirty little secret. Airing it out is one step to freedom! Sending strength to you as you finally escape the gravitational pull of your narcissist for good.

    Liked by 2 people

      • I can tell you you will have finally made it when you conjure up their image in your mind and you feel nothing. You don’t think fondly of the good times. You don’t have anger, shame, or a feeling of failure about the bad times. It’s just a face with no emotion attached. Don’t beat yourself up if you fall again. It’s truly like addiction. Trying to get support from your real-life friends and family is hard. They don’t get it, and they start to get frustrated. They think “why doesn’t she listen to me and just let go?” All your followers understand. That’s why our blogs are so important to our healing.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I believe you will start to feel even stronger from this time on. It took two years for me to stop checking my ex’ Facebook status and reading old emails where I tried to get resolution which you never get with a narc. When you draw that line its really choosing for your own life and psychological health…

    Liked by 3 people

  4. It’s true that I thought you were no contact since a year.
    I do understand literally everything you’re talking about.
    The difficulty of letting go because we think he can finally change. Yes, they might acknowledge their errors (once in a while and after endless and exhausting conflicts, while you feel you need to be absolutely spotless or you will be dumped, and he allows himself any kind of intolerable behaviour), but they never really want to change, the only thing they want is giving you the impression they are good people. A mask, that’s all. And when they look sad supposedly because they hurt us, the even worse news is that they are just sad because we have a bad image of them. No matter what, it’s always about them. And what makes us addicted is that hope it can change. There’s none. But hope is an addictive poison.
    Happy you made this decision.
    The funny thing, in my on and off relationship with a narcissist, I also went no contact since Sunday night, it’s not the first time though. And most of the time it was my decision. I always ended up convincing myself to give it another shot, and things have gone the worse and worse.
    I cross fingers for you to go all the way!
    All the best!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I don’t know about anyone else here, but right now, after the “no contact” with him 8 months ago when he left for his “new supply”, I am dealing with that woman. And others she has contacted me about. They are the “flying monkeys”. There is nothing I can say to them to warn them, I realize. But they have cyber bullied me on several sites trying to lower my “reputation score” with horrible comments (from up to 4 yrs. ago) on articles that have nothing to do with my relationship with the narc. It disturbs me that this can be attempted by women I don’t even know personally. As always, it’s a long story. But I get “notifications” from sites every single day on what they are doing to destroy me because I know who he is now. At first, I thought I could “warn” them. THEY contacted me! I should not have tried to help them. That IS the reason we get addicted to the narc in the first place. The belief we can help, and be loved and appreciated for that willingness. I am glad I have found this site and others that help me understand more who I am. For 4 years, I never knew about anything going on. I just kept trying and accepting him back. I lost my job, much money I had saved, and essentially my sanity. It is good we can all speak of this. I realize I will never get closure nor resolution on this. But it is about me and why I did it for so long. As Steven Hawking said, “Where there is hope there is life. Where there is life there is hope.” There is NO hope nor any life in that 4 years I wasted with that narcissist. I found Kristen Milstead on Quora one day and as I learned, I became more aware of what I had done with my life with him. Educating oneself and learning is my meaning now. Experience is the best teacher. Knowing others like you is vital. Thank you for all you do by providing this place to speak. I will “bend a knee” for you any day!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Fortunatey I haven’t had to deal with flying monkeys. He kept his life very compartmentalized so although I was aware of his exes, I was never in contact with them. Triangulation is one of the narcissist’s favourite games. They use people to do their dirty work and they pitch them against each other. Maybe you can block these people or turn off your notifications. Or you could report them to the police for harassment. But as you say, the most important thing is to focus on yourself and on your recovery. I used to feel like you, angry to have wasted 3 years (now 4) of my life on him. But as my father told me 4 years is nothing in a lifetime. We can educate ourselves. We can use the experience to grow. And we can use it to raise awareness of narcissistic personality disorder so we can help others. And yes, communicating with people who have had a similar experience is essential. This has helped me enormously. I hope you will get rid of the bullies. Look after yourself. 💕

      Like

  6. i wish you all the will power and the grit to overcome this. Sometimes no contact is the way to go. I had a similar problem with a girl who always kep me around. But never committed. that one year was hell. I can empathize.

    Liked by 1 person

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