Time doesn’t heal all wounds, only distance can lessen the sting of them. Shannon L. Alder
Last Sunday I reached a pivotal point in my healing journey as I decided to go No Contact! Yes, I know some of you might be surprised to hear that. You probably thought that I had made that decision a long time ago. I had indeed tried a few times before. However, up until last Sunday I had not been emotionally strong enough to completely sever ties with him. We were still in almost daily contact. In fact, the only time that we did not communicate was when he decided to put me through the silent treatment – which, since the beginning of the year, was every Saturday afternoon and Sunday all day.
I suppose that he was still playing his games and wanted me to think that he was in a relationship and that is why he was not getting in touch at the weekend. And guess what? That is exactly what I thought! Whether he was or not is irrelevant, what mattered to him was to make me feel that he was, because that is how he gets his kicks! I had no intention of getting involved in a relationship with him again, but I could not let go for good and we were therefore still in touch.
We had met to go for a meal or a drink a few times and we had also had sex on several occasions. The boundaries were unclear. Were we friends? Lovers? Friends-with-benefits? The lines were blurred, and he made sure that they remained that way. Sometimes it amused me to see his pathetic attempts at triangulation and gaslighting but now and again it would still sting as it reminded me of a time when those games had nearly destroyed me.
Why was I unable to go No Contact earlier? In one of my first posts I had written that I would never be part of his harem, and there I was, almost a year later, a full-fledged member! Wow! How had this happened?
I had read hundreds of testimonies that said that narcissists cannot change, but there was still a glimmer of hope that he would be the only exception. I needed to do my own ‘scientific’ research into the subject and draw my own conclusions. I had to see it and experience it for myself.
Well, after months of research the results are in and I can confidently say that leopards are more likely to change their spots and pigs more likely to fly than a narcissist is to change. Of course, there were times that I thought he had finally changed and had seen the errors of his ways, but he would ultimately revert to his old narcissistic self in a matter of days if not hours or even minutes.
I finally grew tired of his constant lies, disloyalty, perfidy and betrayals and the lack of clarity of our relationship. I realised that all he was bringing to my life was sadness, chaos and negative energy and that HE WOULD NEVER CHANGE. No contact was the only way forward for me to progress more smoothly and rapidly on my healing journey.
Since my mind is not being filled with thoughts about him, I have started making more projects for myself. Today I attended a speech by Brita Fernandez Schmidt who is the Executive Director of Women for Women, a charity helping women survivors of war to rebuild their lives. I went to see her at the end of her presentation as I would like to set up a course teaching entrepreneurial skills to women refugees and asylum seekers in London as well as raise awareness of the plight of women in conflict zones. I am feeling very excited about this project and I hope that I will convince my manager to get on board with it.
I am feeling proud of myself that I finally made the decision to go No Contact. I chose to do this, not because people told me to, but because I was finally ready. It was MY decision and this is why I think that I will be more likely to succeed this time round.
It has only been four days though, so I do not want to claim victory just yet and Just to be on the safe side, let me remind myself of the No Contact ground rules:
- No face to face meeting.
- No calling.
- No responding to calls.
- No texting.
- No responding to texts.
- No emailing or writing letters.
- No responding to emails or letters.
- No revenge posting on social media.
- No stalking him on social media.
- No asking friends or family about him.
I have now packed my bad memories away and I am ready to embark on my new journey of No Contact towards new adventures.
Wish me luck!