Loneliness, when accepted, becomes a gift that will lead us to find a purpose in life. Paulo Coelho
I am alone this Valentine’s Day and I am feeling rather lonely. However, to put things into perspective, I do not feel half as lonely as I used to when I was with him. Sometimes, being in the wrong relationship, with the wrong person can make you feel more alone than being single. If you have been in a relationship with a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I am sure you understand what I am talking about and that’s what I keep reminding myself when I feel sad and want to reach out to him to alleviate my loneliness.
I used to have the same conversation with him time after time:
- Where are you?
- What kind of question is that? I’m sitting here, right next to you.
- Yes, but you’re not here.
- What are you talking about? Of course I’m here.
- Well, your body is here, but your mind is not. You’re not talking to me. You’re always texting other people or watching videos on your phone. It’s like you’re not here.
- That doesn’t make sense!
- Well, it does to me. I feel alone even when you’re here because you’re not really here.
There was a complete lack of connection and communication and that is why I felt alone, even in his presence. I wasn’t aware of this at the time and I thought that it was my fault because I had anxiety and I was feeling insecure. That was a terrible feeling, which I hope I will never experience again. “Being alone is scary, but not as scary as feeling alone in a relationship.” Amelia Earhart.
As Valentines’ Day was approaching a few people asked me if I had found a new boyfriend yet – as if I NEED to be with someone! I still have some way to go on my healing journey before I am ready to find a new partner. I used to think that I needed to be in a relationship to feel validated, but after my experience, I learnt (the hard way) that you can be with someone and be totally invalidated, alone and lonely.
Therefore, before I even think of finding a new partner, I need to find myself. I need to conquer my fear of being alone so nobody will ever use that against me. I need to embrace my loneliness, so I can get to know myself better. I need to appreciate being single and sometimes alone. I need to do things FOR MYSELF, something I have almost forgotten how to do. Then we will see.
To alleviate the loneliness I made a few changes in my life and took on some new hobbies as well as developed new interests. Besides, now that I am alone, I can do exactly what I want, when I want and how often I want.
- I started getting myself pampered more often (massage, facial, hairdresser, etc) that way I can make myself feel good.
- I started this blog. Writing is a good remedy to loneliness. I have found a community of bloggers on WordPress that I sometimes feel closer to than the people around me.
- I started reading more. My favourite genre is murder mystery. I love when the baddy gets caught!
- I started a new hobby. Dragonboating is a very fun sport and I met a lot of new people.
- And last Saturday, I started writing poems with a friend and we created a new blog to showcase our talent!. The site is still under construction, but here is the link in case you want to have a look: https://postscriptumpoets.wordpress.com
I’d rather be lonely on my own than with someone else. I used to think that being alone was a frightening thing but now I know that there is much more frightening than that and that is being with the wrong person. My mother always says: “Mieux vaut être seul que mal accompagné.” (better be alone than in bad company.) She is absolutely right!
I am single and not ready to mingle – yet!
Happy Valentine’s Day to me and to you all!