Goodbye 2017

By three methods we may learn from wisdom: first, by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third, by experience, which is the bitterest. Confucious

As the sun set on the last day of 2017, I started reflecting on the year that has past while walking my dog in the park. I can definitely say that this has been the most painful year of my life and I am 50 years old, so this is no small matter. I am still quite bitter about it but I take it as life experience.

This year 2017, I went through an extremely difficult break up from an unbelievably toxic relationship. I learnt about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which broke me further as I realised that the relationship that I had had for the past 2 ½ years was based on lies and illusions. I discovered that my emotions had been deviously manipulated with all kinds of mind games aimed at destroying my self-worth and my self-confidence. These were hard times from which I thought, I would never recover from. I felt like I had fallen down a deep dark pit from which there was no way out.

However, I managed to gather the little strength I still had to educate myself about Narcissistic Abuse. I watched countless hours of videos, read numerous articles, underwent CBT therapy and very slowly I was able to crawl my way out of the hole I had dug for myself by staying in a relationship which was doomed from the beginning.

In April I started my blog and this was paramount to my recovery. I was finally able to express my feelings on a platform that allowed me to be myself. I felt as if I could talk about my hurts, my fears and my hopes without being judged. I started reading many blogs from people who had been through the same agonising experience as I had. Whereas my friend and family could not understand what it felt like, I found a whole community of people who could relate to my feelings. They sympathised with me, comforted me and helped me in my journey towards healing. For that I am very grateful.

I also have to give some credit to him for helping me in my recovery because I was not entirely convinced that I was right about him having Narcissistic personality Disorder. I had read about triangulation, gaslighting, the silent treatment, idealisation, devaluation but I was not sure that it was all real. However, through our rekindled relationship I realised that what I denied to myself was indeed the truth. Despite his many apologies and promises, nothing ever changed. He was still lying, whether by omission or by twisting facts. I was still getting hurt by his secrecy and betrayals, so I eventually put a stop to it. It took a lot of abuse for me to end it, believe me, but I could not take it anymore. I have compassion for him and I understand how deeply wounded he is from his childhood, but I cannot allow him to hurt me because he was hurt. I cannot heal his wounds with my love. I was mistaken in thinking that I could.

This said, 2018 looks a whole lot more promising. Tonight I am spending New Year’s Eve with Me, Myself and I but I am not afraid of my own company anymore. At last I can get a sense of peace.

We all learn from experience (well, apart from narcissists) and we become stronger as a result.

The only way is up!

2018 is a new beginning.

16 comments

  1. Happy New Year! I have enjoyed reading your blog and sharing your journey with you.
    It was life-changing for me to hear the term NPD for the first time too. It had all suddenly made sense. Like you I found a whole community, who understood and had shared almost identical experiences to my own. I am so grateful to all the people who have had the courage to write, make videos about this etc. The truth really does set us free doesn’t it?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Happy Nee Year! I love reading your blog because it’s as everything you say resonates. I, too, am with me, myself and I and my beautiful children, and oddly enough couldn’t be happier. It’s where I am suppose to be. I have a long journey to total recovery since he damaged my inner ear when he slammed me into the wall but I feel hopeful for the first time and that feels good. Reading your story and others like yours has made me feel like I matter and am no longer alone. It’s been a life saver. I wish you the very best and looking forward to a wonderful 2018! It can only get better from here!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. May your next year be full of a balance of all the things needed to make it a better one than the last.
    And being 50 is interesting-do some things you never have before to make it a milestone year. (I did mine at 49…I called it ‘things before I turn 50’. I got a tattoo and had onion rings and cold pizza. I LOVE cold pizza!!!!)

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Please don’t be bitter! I learned that my Narc has made me a better man! After 37 years of marriage- 2 children & 2 Grandkids – I didn’t have the option to go No Contact so I have been surviving using Grey Rock Method. You can make it today!

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s