End of a chapter

It is always important to know when somethings has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it. What matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over. Paulo Coelho

Two days ago, I finally turned the last page of a painful chapter in my life. It lasted longer than it should have, but it was extremely difficult to end as there were still many things left unsolved and many things left untold. I wanted a proper ending with a sense of closure but it was not to be. As it happened, he was actually the one who stopped the story as he knew that I had reached the end of my tether. So he chose the pre-emptive strike to finish it himself so he could gain a form of control.

I have no regrets. I did what I thought made sense at the time. It started like a fairy-tale story with promises of a long life love and amazing adventures but ended in resentment, dystopian chaos, betrayals and agony. I believed in the reality of our relationship. Unfortunately, my reality was not his.  He forged his own reality, fabricated his persona and there was no room for me in his story, only for his own needs. I thought I was the main character in his chapter but there were many more. They took precedence in the story development and I lost control of my own future. I very nearly lost my mind and my life too.

Even after I worked out that he had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I still believed that there was a way to salvage our story and move towards a happy ending. He apologised and recognised his past mistakes. He was sorry for the pain he had caused me with his dishonesty and promised that he would be honest from now on. However, he could not empathise with my pain. It was alien to him. He had an intellectual awareness of the suffering he had caused but he was unable to relate to it on an emotional level. So, the story kept repeating itself in a typical cycle of idealisation and devaluation. Every time I thought that I had finally reached the point when I could trust him, another lie came to destroy all hope of a good ending. Therefore, short of a good ending, I decided to end the story before more harm was caused.

I read in a blog called Peaceful Dumpling that it can sometimes help to name different chapters in our lives and that by doing so we can truly and irreversibly end it.  “Labelling specific times as chapters is a form of compartmentalising and it helps us visualise and store all the activities and emotions that come with the time period.”  So I will entitle this particular chapter in my life “The Painful Years with B” and finish the story here. Someone else is undoubtedly going to make him a painful chapter in their life. I feel sorry for that person but there is unfortunately nothing I can do to prevent this. He cannot change. The abuse is inevitable.

I have packed my memories with him in the book of my life and I am now looking forward to a new chapter. The worst is over and the best has yet to come. I cannot change what happened and the bad choices I made but I can change the future. I deserve a better story where I am respected and loved. A story without lies, duplicity, deception and deviousness.

Sometimes painful endings bring the best new beginnings…

The End

20 comments

  1. This really spoke to me. I am at this exact stage too and wondering about others he may inflict this upon but realising there is little I can do, except like you, to help spread awareness. Somewhere perhaps your words may not be saving his particular next victim but they may help to save others in a similar situation. I realise that the courage of people who have spoken out about this, has helped save me. He never expected me to discover his little game but thanks to people like you(who wrote, made videos etc) I did. I hope too, to be able to help others this way, even if I am unable to warn the people I want to, directly.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Sometimes I still dream of contacting his past, present or future “friends” but I know that I would be portrayed as the bitter ex spreading lies, so I don’t. It breaks my heart that someone else will go through what I have. All we can do is raise awareness in the hope that it will spare someone the pain of narcissistic abuse.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. That’s exactly what will happen. I know because that’s what happened to me when I reached out to mutual friends – he made me out to be the crazy one and they believed him. He lied about what he did to me and in return I received emails saying horrible things. I wonder often what they would think if they learn of the damages he’s caused because the version of his story would not have resulted in such trauma. Anyway, not contacting them for fear it will be used against me plus I no longer care. We all know narcissist are experts at putting on the perfect front. That said, the elements of narcissism definitely comes out in his profession. Even though he’s a covert so he’s quiet he controls, he boasted about being able to control people by recognizing what made them tic and throwing them a bone when he needed to keep them happy. He talked about how he was capable of starting meetings with his agenda in place and by the end of the meeting everyone was on board thinking they had come up with these wonderful ideas. I saw these tactics being used in our relationship and he hated it because I would call him out on it. Funny thing is his ex wife doesn’t realize how he uses flattery to get on her good side. She’s a piece of work herself, very similar to his mother in how manipulative and evil she is, but he knows to compliment her on her accomplishments and he has her where he wants her. It’s so complex. All we can do is work on ourselves as to why we choose men like this and make sure to never do it again. If you get the chance check out my blog or google Ed Kemper interviews. This was eye opening for me because it tied the role the mother played in shaping this man, and other serial killers. For me and what I saw, Vince’s mother and ex shared the same traits. Vince isn’t a serial killer, but he’s a slave to the trauma of his childhood and so he creates the same scenario over and over for himself. I caught him off guard because I stood up to him and began to call him out and with that he became more abusive. I am certain this will never happen again because I plan to trust my gut and leave when I first feel something is off. Had I done that I would have been gone 11 months in vs five years. I would have parted whole versus broken.

    Thank you for sharing your stories…

    Liked by 3 people

    • They start the smear campaign before the end of the relationship, so if it does end they can give their own version of events. He told his family, colleagues and friends that I was insecure, jealous and controlling.He told me everyone knew that I was crazy. So when I finally broke up with him, he could play the victim and come up smelling of roses. Like you, I hope that i will be more discerning next time. Thank you for reading my blog.

      Liked by 2 people

      • After he physically assaulted me he began to see a therapist. She diagnosed me as borderline never having met me, but rather based on his delusional story of what who I was. Just like you, he said I was jealous and insecure and abusive. LOL…what a joke. That stupid therapist played right into him because it gave him reason to be more cruel and not face himself. Sigh…thanks for sharing your story. It’s very helpful.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I realised early on that nobody was ever going to believe me. He totally fooled therapists, friends, family etc but I decided he was doing me a favour and showing me who I could really count on. I finally did find a therapist who understood narcissistic abuse but they seem very rare. I shudder when I think of the damage some therapists are still doing to people. Some of my most traumatic experiences have been caused by a ‘so-called counsellors’ although I did stand up to them and one ended up apologising. I know for every person like me, who is not afraid to fight back there are many others who are being put through terrible suffering and feel like they are alone. I speak my truth for them!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I was moved by your heartfelt and insightful post, Pascale, impressed by your empowerment. Pathological narcissists inflict a particularly insidious kind of emotional and psychological abuse that is very difficult to extricate oneself from. At the same time, it is so easy to get into such relationships, because such narcissistic men are often quite charming, even charismatic, as well as successful in the world, making them appear especially attractive on first meeting or in early stages of relationships. I’m looking forward to spending more time with your blog, getting to know you through it, and am so happy that you discovered mine. Unfortunately it is much in need of updating, new posts–I’m right now steeped in writing a novel, coincidentally involving a young woman struggling to find her way to a healthy relationship as she copes with narcissistic men, sexual harrassment and more blocks to healthy intimacy–but I hope to offer more of interest soon. Thanks for connecting so that I could discover your blog!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for reading my blog. I have come a long way since I started it. It is true that I was seduced by his smile and his charisma. I used to think that when he walked into a room he brought light with him. However, after a while the light turned into darkness. I look forward to reading your novel. Let me know when it gets published.

      Like

  5. I read your blog after I noticed Dr. Perry had reblogged your post. I was in a narcisstic relationship for 43 years. It ended in a painful divorce, heartbreak, and uncertainty. But, starting a new chapter was the best thing that could have happened. Living with lies, deceit and emotional abuse is inexcusable. Hang in there. I liked that you said he best is yet to come. Optimism is the key,

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I have yet to completely untangle myself from this man. His tentacles are strong and he does have the power to suck me back into his drama. On the plus side, he recently decided he wanted to break things off with me, his reasoning being that I wanted a commitment from him and he didn’t want a “relationship.” I was stumped by that, and challenged him with the logic of…”but we’ve been exclusive for five years,” and told him, “in my mind, that seems like a relationship.” I was made to feel foolish because I had thought that and the fact that I had “dared” to want a commitment from him, was ridiculous. I have not spoken or seen him since his decision although, he has attempted to text and call, “to see how I’m doing.” I refuse to respond. I will admit though, it is a challenge to stay firm and not let him back into my life. Although, can’t let myself repeat the same cycle once again. Thank you for bringing this to the forefront and letting me rant on your blog. It’s a relief to find others who have felt this way too. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m sorry that you find yourself in that situation. I know how difficult it must be for you. I hope you can keep strong and not answer him. You have the opportunity to break the cycle, so take it. It will be painful but maybe you will spare yourself a lot of hurt in the future. And please don’t worry about ranting. You need to validate your experience. Take care. Stay strong. XX

      Liked by 1 person

  7. ‘It started like a fairy-tale story with promises of a long life love and amazing adventures but ended in resentment, dystopian chaos, betrayals and agony. I believed in the reality of our relationship. Unfortunately, my reality was not his.’ – oh yes… why are all those stories so similar? Mine was a romance novel turned horror movie…

    Liked by 1 person

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