It is always important to know when somethings has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it. What matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over. Paulo Coelho
Two days ago, I finally turned the last page of a painful chapter in my life. It lasted longer than it should have, but it was extremely difficult to end as there were still many things left unsolved and many things left untold. I wanted a proper ending with a sense of closure but it was not to be. As it happened, he was actually the one who stopped the story as he knew that I had reached the end of my tether. So he chose the pre-emptive strike to finish it himself so he could gain a form of control.
I have no regrets. I did what I thought made sense at the time. It started like a fairy-tale story with promises of a long life love and amazing adventures but ended in resentment, dystopian chaos, betrayals and agony. I believed in the reality of our relationship. Unfortunately, my reality was not his. He forged his own reality, fabricated his persona and there was no room for me in his story, only for his own needs. I thought I was the main character in his chapter but there were many more. They took precedence in the story development and I lost control of my own future. I very nearly lost my mind and my life too.
Even after I worked out that he had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I still believed that there was a way to salvage our story and move towards a happy ending. He apologised and recognised his past mistakes. He was sorry for the pain he had caused me with his dishonesty and promised that he would be honest from now on. However, he could not empathise with my pain. It was alien to him. He had an intellectual awareness of the suffering he had caused but he was unable to relate to it on an emotional level. So, the story kept repeating itself in a typical cycle of idealisation and devaluation. Every time I thought that I had finally reached the point when I could trust him, another lie came to destroy all hope of a good ending. Therefore, short of a good ending, I decided to end the story before more harm was caused.
I read in a blog called Peaceful Dumpling that it can sometimes help to name different chapters in our lives and that by doing so we can truly and irreversibly end it. “Labelling specific times as chapters is a form of compartmentalising and it helps us visualise and store all the activities and emotions that come with the time period.” So I will entitle this particular chapter in my life “The Painful Years with B” and finish the story here. Someone else is undoubtedly going to make him a painful chapter in their life. I feel sorry for that person but there is unfortunately nothing I can do to prevent this. He cannot change. The abuse is inevitable.
I have packed my memories with him in the book of my life and I am now looking forward to a new chapter. The worst is over and the best has yet to come. I cannot change what happened and the bad choices I made but I can change the future. I deserve a better story where I am respected and loved. A story without lies, duplicity, deception and deviousness.
Sometimes painful endings bring the best new beginnings…