No winter lasts forever, no spring skips its turn. Hal Borland
It is half-term this week, so I have decided to do a bit of spring cleaning. I know spring started a long time ago and now it is closer to summer, but I was not in the right state of mind until very recently and better late than never.
First, I started with my wardrobe, getting rid of all the clothes that I never wear and making space for new ones. In the process, I found two of his T-shirts. I had never paid too much attention to the messages inscribed on them, but maybe I should have as it would have given me a clue on what type of man he was. One T-shirt said: “I am the predator.” and the other one “Man has himself as his only friend and as his only enemy.” LOL! They will go to the charity shop or I might send them to HG Tudor, self-confessed Malignant Narcissist and author of the blog: Knowing the Narcissist.
Then I decided to spring clean my health. Off with the smoking! Off with the drinking! I have replaced them with healthier options. Let’s hope it lasts… My therapist gave me a list of vitamins and supplements that are supposed to help alleviate depression and anxiety and assist in promoting sleep. So I went to the Health Food Shop and bought the whole lot: Omega 3, Vitamin D, Folic Acid, Vitamins B1, B2, B3, B5, B6 & B12 and Magnesium. I have been taking them for a few days only, so I need to wait until I can feel the benefits. I will also see my personal trainer once a week and try to resume going to Wu Shu Kwan (Chinese Boxing) training.
Next on the agenda was my daily routine, which was full of bad habits such as irregular sleeping and eating patterns. Eating is an easier thing to tackle. I ditched the junk food and now I try to stick to three meals a day because before I could do a whole day without eating anything. So from now on. I will get up at 7am every day, go for a short walk or run, have breakfast and a shower and then go to work. Hopefully, this will help me sleep better as well. At the moment, I manage to get roughly three to four hours sleep each night, which is not enough to function properly. I am often tired and sleepy, but as soon as I go to bed, I become wide awake and anxious. This is a pattern I developed during my relationship with him: “tired but wired.” It is hard to break.
After that, I spring cleaned my work. I have been a bit lax with my job, as I was unable to focus and kept procrastinating. I am a teacher and we need to keep a Record of Work Folder and let me just say that my folder is missing a few items! My lessons have still been to a good standard but my paperwork has suffered. Let’s hope my manager does not read my blog! She has been very supportive in these difficult times, but I cannot continue to fall behind with the paperwork. I will be observed and graded next week, so I need to get a grip and update my folder. It is not easy to focus on my work when my mind is still being absorbed by grieving a relationship and a love that never was.
And last but not least, spring cleaning my head. I need to stop thinking about him and the awful things that he did to me! I have to move on and not let bitterness and anger impede my recovery. I have just decided ( I was about to only this afternoon!) NOT to go ahead with getting him charged with assault as I think that I wanted it more out of revenge than justice. I need to move on with my life and leave him behind in his darkness while I step forward into the light. Getting him out of my head is the hardest challenge of all. My therapist is helping me, but her powers are limited. I am the only one who can do this. Let the battle begin!
Well, that’s enough spring cleaning for the time being. I hope my resolve will last. I need to take control of my habits! Out with the old, in with the new!