The real trick in life is to turn hindsight into foresight that reveals insight. Robin Sharma
Hindsight is a wonderful thing and in hindsight everything is crystal clear. What I could not see at the time of the events seems so obvious now. There were many warning signs and red flags at the beginning of the relationship, but I did not see them or I chose to ignore them. I was hypnotised, under a love spell that left me unable to use my intuition and logical reasoning. I could not see the forest for the trees and I failed to spot the wolf that was lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce on me and tear me apart bit by bit.
The warning signs that I was entering dangerous territory were numerous. My friends tried to tell me but the only person I wanted to listen to was him. Nobody else’s opinion mattered. I was bewitched from a very early stage.
Red flag number 1: He was just a bit too perfect and charming. He had a smile that could melt the polar ice caps, he was a smooth talker and an incredible listener. He knew the right thing to say to make me comfortable and relaxed. He seem to understand me. He was everything I wanted in a man. We were made for each other. His smile and his pleasant words completely disarmed my defence system and left me powerless in front of the enemy. As the saying goes. If something looks too good to be true, then it probably is.
Red flag number 2: The conversation turned to sex quite quickly. He talked overtly about sex. Told me that sex was very important to him. He also asked me when I had had sex last. Even at the time, I thought it was quite an inappropriate question to ask on a first date. Worst of all he then asked me about the size of my ex-husband’s penis! He was very proud of the size of his penis – which I must admit was quite impressive- and used it to lure women into his lair. “You think your ex had a big one, wait until you see mine!” That should have set the alarm bells going, but I thought that he was just a bit eccentric. He is a somatic narcissist and he uses his sexual prowess and physical attributes to attract women.
Red flag number 3: He revealed details of his shady past. He told me he had been a stripper and ten worked as a gigolo. He told me that he had had a vast number of sexual partners that he used to be a hunter. He told me that casual sex made him feel powerful in the moment but empty afterwards as all he wanted was to have someone waiting at home for him. So despite these revelations, I thought that he wanted to change and I could be the person that would be there for him waiting. And god knows I ended up waiting hours after hours while he was away gallivanting somewhere else!
Red flag number 4: He tried to warn me of his true self, dropped hints of his dark personality.
- “I hurt the people I love.”
- “I don’t want to bring you into my dark world.”
- “You’re naive, you let people take advantage of you.”
Even with hindsight, I am not too sure why he would do this. Maybe to add some spice to the game or to absolve himself of any wrong doing. “Well, I tried to warn her!”
Red flag number 5: There seemed to be some ambiguity about his character. He was the tough guy from the street but at the same time displayed a boyish innocence and vulnerability. He wanted to instigate a feeling of pity and admiration at the same time. I remember telling him that I admired his resilience in the face of all the difficulties he had encountered in his life. This feeling of pity would be the thing that kept me so long with him. He had been abandoned so many times before, I swore to myself that I would never do the same.
What can I say? I was hooked, from the very beginning and no matter what my friends said – “You will end up getting hurt” – I refused to listen. I went marching into a minefield, ignoring the warning signs and then everything blew up in my face.
There is a lesson to be learnt here.
Trust your instinct.
Listen to your friends
Never ignore your gut feeling.
Use your past experience to shape a better future.