Meltdown

Sometimes it takes a meltdown to cool down. Evinda Lepins

I had a huge meltdown last night. I brought it unto myself, really, because I had a peek at his Instagram account. There was a photo of him in Spain with his bodybuilding coach and a caption that detailed how well he was doing. I was fine at first and I thought: “Thank God I am not part of that world anymore”. Bodybuilding had never been a sport that interested me. The intense training extreme diet and steroids injections were never something that I thought I would ever be involved in.

However, suddenly, in the evening, as I was preparing for bed, I started having deep feelings of sadness for all the promises that he made that I believed in, no matter how many times he had let me down. “When I win my bodybuilding competition, I will tell everyone that I couldn’t have done it without you. You pushed me, helped me and supported me. You believed in me. I will put a photo of you and me on Instagram.”

Then the sadness turned into deep resentment and great anger. I started crying uncontrollably. How could he have treated me like he did? How could he be so cold and cruel? How could he be so manipulative and calculating? How could he lie to me time after time after time and then complain that I didn’t trust him? How could he purposely make me feel insecure? How could he have such complete disregard for my feelings? How could he intentionally cause me to feel anxious and unsettled? How could he subject me to the silent treatment for hours or days? How could he kick me out of his flat in the middle of the night because I was restless and disturbed his sleep? How could he use and abuse me? How could he?

I know, I know, I have read the books on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that is who he is and what he does. He has very little empathy if at all. I was a mere object to him. My only role was to anticipate and cater for his needs, without any thoughts for my own. Yes, sometimes he did give me his attention, a kiss or a cuddle but only because I begged him to. He only gave when there was an ulterior motive, when it suited his purpose.

I know the facts but it is horrendously painful that someone I loved could treat me in such an inhumane manner.

I still find it hard to admit to myself that I was tricked, conned and deceived. There was never any love on his part. All the good moments were fake. He was a fake. I wish I could go back in time and take back all the things I did for him. Take back the encouragement I gave him to pursue his dreams. Take back the support I gave him to pass his exams. Take back the motorbike I paid for. Take back the business I helped him set up. Take back the website I financed. Take back the books I bought for him. Take back all the money I spent buying him food, supplements and steroids and paying for his bodybuilding coach. Take back the savings I lost paying his rent and council tax. Take back the time that I wasted believing his lies. Take back all the tears that he made me shed. Take back the love I gave unconditionally.

I can’t go back in time but I can move forward to an maybe uncertain but certainly happier life without fear and abuse. I will not let anger or sadness dictate my life.

I will leave him behind.

Leave him to his life of chaos, betrayals and destruction.

2 comments

  1. It is hard to break the bonds; yet, when we do break them it is so easy to see why we did. Recovery from an NPD relationship is tough. We blame ourselves, others, anything. I have joined many support groups on Facebook to help me through these tribulations. If you have an account there, search NPD survivors. Our stories are all eerily similar and different at the same time. You are not alone, nor will you ever be.

    Like

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