Fall from ignorance and you will rise to reason. M. Dhliwayo
All the way through my relationship with him, I was in a constant state of confusion. I did not understand his unpredictable behaviour. I was puzzled by his constant need to find gratification outside of our relationship and why it was so important to him to constantly communicate with a myriad of people instead of paying attention to the people who loved him.
I was trying harder and harder to fight for his attention, getting more and more irritated, frustrated and angry. When confronted, he would dismiss my feelings, telling me that I was too sensitive, jealous, controlling. I would then end up feeling guilty and apologise for not trusting him!
One of the hardest thing in ending the relationship was that he never gave me closure. He never admitted behaving odiously or cheating although he did confess to a few minor transgressions – “I talked to people I shouldn’t have been talking to.” “I didn’t pay you enough attention”. When I pointed some of his inacceptable flirtatious behaviour with some of his colleagues and clients he blankly denied everything – “There were no other women, I swear. If I had wanted to cheat, I would have. I can have any woman I want.”
You might wonder why I stayed with him. Well, episodically, he would bombard me with love and attention, tell me he was nothing without me and that I was the only one that mattered. This would leave me in a state of confusion, complete dichotomy of feelings, which would exhaust me so much that I did not have the energy to complain. Denial became the easiest option.
I did not understand what I had done wrong to go from being “the best woman he had ever been with” to becoming just a shadow, an inconvenience in his life which he only tolerated because it was providing him with food and board. Every time we seemed to reach a consensus and he said he would stop talking to an ex-girlfriend, she was almost immediately replaced by another member of his harem. They were coming in legions out of the woodwork.
“Who is Valentina?” “Just a woman I met today at the interview. I want to know if she got the job.”
“Who is Victoria?” “She’s my friend’s girlfriend, she wants to ask how I did my personal training course.”
“Who is Missia?” “Oh, just a childhood friend. She saw I was doing well on Facebook and she texted me.”
“Who is (insert name)?” “Oh, Just a (insert relationship). She wants to (insert reason).”
Many, many women joined his harem when he started working as a personal trainer in a gym. Imagine 700 members, what a lot of prospect!
One of them, a Mexican woman, had particularly caught his attention. He would come home late, all excited, like a child who had just been given a new toy, telling me that she was gorgeous and that having her as client would boost his image as a personal trainer, so he would give her a few free personal training sessions. He started acting more and more secretive but at the same time leaving me little clues just to keep me on my toes.
That’s when I decided that I had to end this highly toxic relationship.
I have read so many books now that I understand his behaviour and I know that there is nothing I could have done to stop it. He is a junkie, addicted to narcissistic supply – emotional responses such as attention, admiration, adulation. Without this fuel to power him, he cannot function. He is empty inside and has a very low opinion of himself as well as a deep rooted self-loathing. He need to get his energy from others. One woman will never be enough for him because after a while she is depleted of her energy, as I became, and he needs to move on to a new fully charged source of fuel. He cannot help it. He has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that’s what narcissists do. He is a deeply disturbed man, an addict and out of control engine with only one goal in life: gather fuel to get the engine going.
Knowledge has giving me the power to regain my confidence and heal because I know that everything that occurred was not because of what I did or WHO I AM but because of WHO HE IS.