I am free

I know where I am going and I know the truth, and I don’t have to be what you want me to be. I am free to be what I want. Mohammad Ali

Just as I thought that I would never hear from him again, 5 days after my birthday, I received an email:

Dear Pascale,

Happy birthday. I have been many days thinking if I should wish you this or not. I want the best for you and I think my silence is the best present. It doesn’t mean I didn’t remember because I did. Plus you were in France and I didn’t want to interrupt anything.

I wish you all the best. Don’t reply, I’m just writing because I’m not a person who forgets who was in my life.

Regards

B

The first thought that entered my mind was that he really did care about me and maybe did after all love me at some point. But then I starting asking myself: I wonder where he was when he sent that email. Was he sitting in bed with another woman?

I remember that once he texted his ex- girlfriend Marta on Christmas morning while he was sitting next to me in bed, making sure that I could see what he was writing: “Feliz Navidad. Un beso muy grande.” You see at the time I was unaware that I had caused him a severe narcissistic injury and that I was being punished. I had dared to tell him that the business idea that he had was slightly unrealistic as the setting up cost would be too high. So he used the best method he had to torment me: torture by triangulation.

Narcissistic triangulation consisted of bringing another person – most of the time an ex- girlfriend or a colleague – into our relationship whether in the flesh, on the screen of a mobile phone or by just “repeating” what that other person had supposedly said about me. For example: “Gemma says that your anxiety will kill our relationship. She had anxiety and her boyfriend left her.” “Paula is still in love with me.” “Marta says you’re controlling and maybe I should go back with her.”….. Obviously at the time I just thought that he was just being a bit insensitive and that he didn’t realise what he was doing. But now I know that everything was carefully orchestrated.

The purpose of triangulation was to destabilise me, instil feelings of jealousy, insecurity, anxiety and self-doubt and at the same time make him feel that he was in demand and should I complain too much or not provide him with the attention, support, admiration and adulation that he deserved, he had his other sources of narcissistic supply.

That is why he likes to keep in contact with all his ex-girlfriends. There were many: Paula, Marta, Lourdes, Sonia, Lucia …. Just to name a few. They all belong to his narcissistic harem and are there to be used at his will. He keeps them hanging on by throwing them some crumbs from time to time so he can control them and make sure that they are not moving on and forgetting him.

I will never be part of his harem, I will not be used to hurt another person, I will not be used in any way. I will forget him.

I am free.

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