Letting Go

The mind spells ‘healing’ L-E-T G-O. Terri Guillemets

Why can’t I let go? What’s holding me back? Why is it so difficult to heal?

Armed with my encyclopaedic knowledge on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it should be easy to detach myself from the person who abused me, systematically sought to destroy me and very nearly succeeded in his endeavour. After all, I am aware that the whole relationship was fake. I realise that the person I fell in love with was just a fictitious character in his thespian repertoire. I understand how he used countless manipulative techniques to undermine me, control me and subjugate me. I know that our relationship followed the classical pattern of narcissistic abuse: idealisation – devaluation – discard.

So why do I still feel bound to him? Why do I always find an excuse to get in touch with him? Why do I secretly hope that I could make it work?

I guess, deep down in my heart there is still a part of me that thinks I can rescue him from his torment and save him from himself. There is still a part of me that feels sorry for the little boy who was abused and abandoned. I can’t help feeling compassion and pity. I can’t quite believe that my prince charming turned into a beast. BUT HE DID!

I am confused, constantly doubting myself, thinking that maybe I made a mistake and he can’t have been so callous and cruel. BUT HE WAS! I have many memories of the times that he hurt me, exploited me and blamed me for his behaviour. Our relationship was a roller-coaster of emotions. I was brainwashed and conditioned to react exactly the way that he wanted me to react. He used the silent treatment to keep me under his thumb. He used triangulation to damage my self-esteem. I isolated myself from my friends and family because I was so emotionally depleted. I developed Generalised Anxiety Disorder and suicidal thoughts. I became a shell of my former self. I felt like I was a category D prisoner, going to work during the day and coming back to my cell in the evening.

Why is it still so difficult to stop thinking of him and move on? Why do I feel so much loyalty towards him?

Have you ever heard about Stockholm Syndrome or Trauma Bonding?

Well, here’s the definition: a strong emotional attachment between an abused person and the abuser formed as a result of the cycle of violence. It’s quite hard to fathom if you haven’t experienced it first-hand.

I’m pretty sure that’s WHY.

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